..scratching away for any trace of affection you will leave..

this has all built up over time...

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 05:05:23 GMT

It’s apparent now I need to endure this fantasy
Now that I’m coherent to, you’re endless trials of blasphemy.
Left here standing on the edge, with one direction to move.
Forward, falling, passed the ground, all on account of you.

Mark my words, I’ll find a way to kill you the way that you killed me.
You know it hurts, just to watch you love her the way you once loved me.

It’s apparent now, you can’t leave this behind.
I can see it still, see it when your eyes meet mine.
But I’ve promised myself, not to succumb to everything that you are.
Still, I doubt myself, keeping promises was never my greatest form of art.

Mark my words, I’ll find a way to break you the way you broke me.
You know it hurts, just to see you and feel you provoke me.

I’m not getting better.
I’m just getting worse.
I thought I believed in forever.
Now I think I’m just cursed.

This is how you want it.
I can’t even take it.
Could you just say goodbye?
This is how you left it.
I don’t even get it.
Could you just say goodbye?

-----

All of this is on its way to no where.
I hate to say it, but that’s a solemn fact.
I’ve spent the past few years with only you in mind
I’m not bitter, I just want those few years’ back.
Cause while I was dreaming of you,
Someone else was dreaming of me.
Someone who was in my place
Someone else so much more worthy.

All of this has been a worthless waste of time.
I hate to say it, but we both know that it’s true.
I’ve spent the last few hours contemplating this now
I can’t believe I used to believe that I loved you.

Well I still do.

So I’ll lie and say I’m over you.
I’ll lie and say it’s over.
I’ll be the actress in this horrid play
But this one scene it contains no closure.
We’ll make Shakespeare proud, and own the crowd
When you find me lying dead
You’ll choose your makeshift ending
And walk away, alive and well instead.

I killed myself for you.
And you won’t even bother to do the same.

-----

I never said this wouldn’t hurt.
I never said anything would stay the same.
I never spoke a single word
About anything -- people change.
And if you hold the grudge,
And the barrel connected to your gun,
that rests upon my temple, trembling..
I understand if you pull the tigger
I understand if you want want me dead.

-----

this is where we go now.
this is where it ends.
with words that destroy this..
like, "let's just be friends,"
so don't call me a liar.
We both know that you won't.
And tonight's our last meeting
then we're both left alone.

i'm writing down letters
I'm printing out words
To help me remember
to help me to hurt..
A sonnet of memories
that bring me to tears
10 months is a while...
10 months feels like years...

now my heart is breaking
for breaking your heart.
my body is shaking... now don't let me start
onhow..
i miss you.
i hate you.
i don't want to lose you.
i'm sorry.
you know it.
but still you refuse to..
forgive me. (this wasn't a mistake).
forgive me. (this wasn't a mistake).
forgive me. (this wasn't a mistake).

-----

you know it's real when your stomach starts to sink
and you forget how to breathe.
from the littlest glance,
or the slightest touch...
too feel our hearts skip beats together
i can't get enough.
love doesn't even describe what i'm feeling inside...
it's so much more than that.
but i'll settle for now, till i find a word
suitable that my heart can define.

-----

for who knows how long i've been trying to write the perfect song with the perfect words to correspond. with lettesr coming straight from my chest, pumping phrases to fingerstips to define these feelings felt best. so here is another i'll add to my collection. a sad book of pages to increase the infection. and i know it's pathetic, but you're my obsession. so as i go on, please do read with at least some discretion. and please keep in mind, i can't help the way my heart bests faster, when your eyes meet mine, to cause the most itter-sweet disaster. so my lips remain sealed -- unspoken of the truth, but my pen can still write plenty of you. and how i hate distance, hate silence, hate pain. how i hate you for leaving me like this time after time once again.

-----

we haven't spoken in so long
and i'm afraid you're moving on
although, it's doubtful you were ever on me.
time and distance are the worst
add a few years, the pain gets worse
it's hurts to know that you're somethign i just can't have.

so i will smile when you tell me:
"she's beautiful -- she's everything"
i'll do my best to hide my jealousy.
And when you say "i miss her so.."
I'll do my best just not to show..
i think you're beautiful -- you're everything..
to me.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 23:03:53 GMT

and so it starts.
i begin to slip away,
from everything i once knew that was safe.
i break my own heart.
excuses fumble passed my lips.
i look for reasons so that i wont have to stay.

it's hard for me to show the best.
i know you would have never guessed
that these insecurities are tearing me apart
i stay long enough to leave a mark
long enough to break a heart
not long enough to see if i can make it.

why am i running from things that are fine?
i guess that goes to show...
people stick with what they know.
and all i know is calloused hearts
tragic endings -- deadly starts
i wish i could get passed all the saddest parts.

now here i go
slipping into the safety of routine
i wish i had the words
that served good enough for an apology
cause you are the very last person
i would ever want to hurt
but i am selfish
and i am ruthless
and i only put myself first.

so before i finally go
i simply need you to hear these words
i'm sorry i don't have the guts
have the courage or the nerve
to let myself risk the chance...
the chance of getting hurt.

:::::::::::::::

i'm emotionally drained to the point that i'm now bleeding dust.
let's just forget this ever happened.
let's just forget this ever was..
something worth nothing in the end.
but that's how the story goes
it happens over and over again.
you'd think by now i'd be immune to all of this.
well, you proved me wrong.
theres not one single part of you that i wont miss.
so leave quietly.
turn the lights out as you go.
don't tell me that you love me,
cause i don't want to know.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 05:48:14 GMT

I need you like a lush needs cheap whiskey on his breath.
The outcome of this longing will surely be my death.
I’m working on a plan to get out of this mess.
But you’re eyes make it difficult and so I digress.

As summer turns to fall and the distance resides
This burning in my heart eats away my insides
So I’m hollow and reserved and missing your lines
I wish I could tell you, you’re a sight for sore eyes.

I’m contently confused.
(God, I love the abuse.)
Leave me broken and bruised
(My heart was made for your use)
Go ahead and tease it
But don’t you dare appease it
I’m loving this…
I’m loving this…
Let’s not be hasty, no, lets not be drastic
(I wish you could sense that I’m overly sarcastic)
I’m loving this…
I’m loving this…

I hate that my shoulders carry the heaviest of doubt.
Cause you’re the one thing that I can’t do anything about.
But you’ve got me where you want me, on the tips of my toes.
I’m lovesick, and careless, and everybody knows.

So could you pull the trigger for the gun that rests on my tongue?
And end this while I still believe that you are the only one.
I hate thinking maybe tomorrow you’ll be gone.
If you forget me, forget this, at least remember this song.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 03:16:44 GMT

don't forget to remind me to breathe
when i get lost in your eyes, i get lost in a dream.
don't forget to remember me
when time closes in, and we both have to leave

so let's take our time with these goodbyes
in all honesty though, where is the good in goodbye?
could we please just take our time?
i'd sacrifice anything, anything to stay here at your side.

i'm counting down the endless seconds
until my summer finally beckons
from this i've learned so many lessons
next time i know to treat my heart with more discretion.

i trace my finger over maps
i hate these miles that form gaps..
gaps forming tiny little cracks
to cause my heart to finally colapse.

...collapse and take my life away
i'd give it all just to have you stay
stuck here with me for one more day
i can't find the words to help me say..

i can't live without you here
the distance will surely kill me, dear
365 days left in this year
and every second spent in fear.

..in fear you'll find somebody else
who coudl easily overcome myself
and every feeling that i've felt
i lose myself in you... i melt.

so don't you leave me here like this.
i won't take my fingers from your fist.
to stay with you .. god, i only wish.
engrave your name into my wrist...

so that i never have to let you go.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

it's sick how easily i manage to fall.
my balance never was that great
but falling for you has taken the most out of me..
..has taken the heart out of me.
you've taken my lungs of out me.
it doesn't matter,
cause when i'm with you i forget to breathe.
i forget how to speak.
i get nervous and my knees get weak.

god i hate you for everything you've done
i hate you, i hate you for being the one.
the one person who can make my heart stop at a single glance.
the one person that i can never give a chance..
but i want to give you a chance, so why is this so hard?
why is you are ao near .. and yet so far.
why do numbers stand in the way of everything i need.
why can't you just be with me, and only me.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 01:41:44 GMT

kill me again and again so i can relive every moment with you.
supply yourself with needle and thread because i'll be splitting myself in two.
slice my skin right down the center.
watch my guts spill across the ground.
i swear i'll do it, if that's what you want..
if that's what it takes for you to stick around.

i'll tear this heart, right from my chest
and place it in your calloused hands.
i swear i'll do it, if that's what you want..
if that's what it takes for you to understand..

i am nothing without you, and i know you know it.
but i'm drawn to all the ways you refuse to show it.
i'm pathetic and i'm weak.
so tongue-tied, i can't speak.
i'm mistaken and i'm misread.
i can't find the words, for what we both know should be said.

Please don't turn you back now, i need this so much.
I live for you presense, your absense, your touch.
My lips have come to fail me, one too many times,
still my heart belongs to you, just keep that in mind.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 01:14:51 GMT

I am biting my tongue until it bleeds
the brightest color red that you will ever see.
you will never see me without silver tape across my liips.
it's hard to pour my heart out, when it's condemned inside your fists.
still -- the hearder you squeeze, the further i fall.
and i need this more and more with every night that you don't call.
i am a sucker for heartache, heartbreak and mistakes
i am a magnet for backstabbers and dusty chalk stained slates.
Why is is that i'm drawn to the types that allow me, and only me, to shoulder all the blame?
Is it wrong to love to hate the feeling of a shattered heart?
is it sick to love to hate the feeling of my insides tearing apart?
Why do all the pieces come crashing down, just as they begin to fit?
why am i letting myself lose sleep over this?
i truly hate to complain..but this is all that gets me by.
sad, isn't it? I've got tear stained pillow but i can't find the reason why.
is there any reasoning as to why i continuously let myself fall into these enormous dissarays?
i always seem to trip, come tumbling down; my knees soaked in blood --
but i am numb to any pain.
for one day i just wish i could get by.
for one day i wish i would wake up and not be dissapointed that i am still alive.